Finally, after a two hour drive of listening to the radio, I arrive at the renowned lobster restaurant which I've been craving for. I take my keys out of the engine, take my seat belt off and open the door. I take my bag and step out of the car, and lock it as I walk towards the restaurant. I open the door, and immediately smell the richness of the food. The waiter escorts me to a table for two. I hang my bag on my chair and sit down and look at the menu, and look at all my options as I flip the pages of the menu. I tell the waiter to come back in a few minutes. I finally pick what I want and I look around for the waiter. Clearly seeing that he's not there, I try to look for another waiter. I try to call them to my table, but they're too busy. I finally find my waiter and call him over. I tell him what I want and he takes the menu away. I take my bag and call the friend I am supposed to meet. I open it and start text messaging. Then I call my friend and ask her where she is. My waiter comes with my drink and I start to play with the straw while talking to her on the phone. I keep looking at my watch, checking the time. Confirming that she's coming soon, I take out my mirror and put some more lipstick on. I get a bit angry because time is slipping by. I accidentally spill my drink on my hand, so I turn to go to the washroom and accidentally spill my drink. I get shocked and start apologizing to the waiters. I try to help, but back off. I sit back down as the waiters finish up cleaning the mess. I suddenly see my friend at the door. I am relieved and I walk to her and greet her.
Bedroom Farce KATE: Malcolm! Malcolm... I know you’re up here, Malcolm. Come on, Malcolm, what have you done with it? MALCOLM: What? KATE: My other show. What have you done with it? MALCOLM: I don’t know KATE: Oh really... (seeing the cardboard package) What’s all this? MALCOLM: Ah-ha KATE: Where did it come from? MALCOLM: I got it today KATE: I didn’t see you MALCOLM: You don’t see everything KATE: What is it? MALCOLM: A little surprise. Nothing much. A little housewarming present from me to you KATE: Whatever is it? MALCOLM: Later, later. When they’ve all gone KATE: Whatever is it? It’s an ironing board MALCOLM: An ironing board... KATE: What have you done with my shoe? MALCOLM: Shoe? Shoe? KATE: (giving up) Oh... MALCOLM: (taking off his shoes) It’s going to be a really good party tonight, I can feel it KATE: I hope so. Oooh. Something to confess MALCOLM: What? KATE: You know that shelf you put up in the kitchen MALCOLM: Yes. KATE: It’s fallen down again. MALCOLM: Again... KATE: I was ever so careful. MALCOLM: I told you it wasn’t designed for great heavy weights. KATE: I only stood the cruet on it. I deliberately didn’t go near it in case it fell down. Oh, I’m terribly hot. Have I got time for a bath? MALCOLM: Just about. KATE: Now, the food’s all going on the big table. Then I’ve cleared the sideboard for the drinks. And they can put their coats here on the bed- oh look, I haven’t made the bed. Where is it then? (She starts to make the bed) MALCOLM: What? KATE: You know what. My blooming shoe. (MALCOLM whistles to himself and starts to take off his sweater.) You going to wear your nice shirt? MALCOLM: Which one? KATE: Your nice one. MALCOLM: All right. KATE: You look nice in that. MALCOLM: Yes, it’s going to be a really good party. Who’ve we got coming? KATE: Oh-everyone-I asked everyone. Except Nick, he can’t come. MALCOLM: Nick? KATE: Yes, he hurt his back, poor thing. MALCOLM: Ah. KATE: Jan phoned me. He hurt it this morning. She’s coming though. MALCOLM: Good. Good. KATE: And who else is there. Ken and Margaret, of course. And John and Dorothy and Wilfrid and Gareth and Gwen and Mike and Dave and Carole and Dick and Lottie. Gordon and Marge, of course and-er-Susannah and Trevor... MALCOLM: Trevor? KATE: Yes. MALCOLM: And Susannah? KATE: Yes. MALCOLM: Oh dear, oh dear. KATE: Well, I had to. They’ve had us round twice. MALCOLM: I see. Well, that’s that isn’t it? KATE: Well. MALCOLM: That’s that. Where is it then? KATE: What? MALCOLM: The shirt. KATE: Oh, it’s in the airing cupboard. I washed it. MALCOLM: Right. (MALCOLM goes) KATE: Could you turn my bath on? MALCOLM: (Off) Right. KATE: Oh really. (She eyes the present. She sees MALCOLM’S shoes. She snatches them up and stuffs them into one of the pillowcases. MALCOLM returns with the shirt.) Very funny. MALCOLM: Eh? KATE: My shoe. Very funny. MALCOLM: Ah. KATE: And I don’t want any more foreign bodies in my side of the bed tonight, thank you very much. MALCOLM: Foreign bodies? KATE: You know, hair brushes and all my bottles and jars-you know. MALCOLM: Wasn’t me. KATE: You and your jokes. Is my bath running? MALCOLM: Yes. Now look, you say Jan’s coming and Susannah’s coming and Trevor’s coming? KATE: Yes. MALCOLM: (putting on his shirt) That’s marvellous. If Trevor and Susannah don’t have a fight, then it’s ten to one Jan and Susannah will have a fight... KATE: I hope not. MALCOLM: Well, the first sign of any trouble they’re all out, I’m telling you. This is going to be a good party. I’m not having any of that. (He has put on his shirt) KATE: Has that shrunk? MALCOLM: I don’t know, has it? KATE: It looks as if it’s shrunk. Or else you’re getting fat. (KATE goes off) MALCOLM: Fat? You cheeky thing. (calling) Hey, Blodge. Blodge. (He takes off the shirt) KATE: (Off) What? MALCOLM: What have you done with my shoes? KATE: (Off) Ah-ha. MALCOLM: What have you done with them? What’s she done with them? (He sees her shoes. He hides them in the bed.) KATE: (Off) Ooooh! MALCOLM: What? (KATE returns, partially undressed) KATE: Did you put that brush in my bath? MALCOLM: Brush? What brush? KATE: Well, you shouldn’t do that. It’s very unhygienic. Honestly. (KATE goes. MALCOLM,laughing, follows her.)
Bedroom Farce
KATE: Malcolm! Malcolm... I know you’re up here, Malcolm. Come on, Malcolm, what have you done with it?
MALCOLM: What?
KATE: My other show. What have you done with it?
MALCOLM: I don’t know
KATE: Oh really... (seeing the cardboard package) What’s all this?
MALCOLM: Ah-ha
KATE: Where did it come from?
MALCOLM: I got it today
KATE: I didn’t see you
MALCOLM: You don’t see everything
KATE: What is it?
MALCOLM: A little surprise. Nothing much. A little housewarming present from me to you
KATE: Whatever is it?
MALCOLM: Later, later. When they’ve all gone
KATE: Whatever is it? It’s an ironing board
MALCOLM: An ironing board...
KATE: What have you done with my shoe?
MALCOLM: Shoe? Shoe?
KATE: (giving up) Oh...
MALCOLM: (taking off his shoes) It’s going to be a really good party tonight, I can feel it
KATE: I hope so. Oooh. Something to confess
MALCOLM: What?
KATE: You know that shelf you put up in the kitchen
MALCOLM: Yes.
KATE: It’s fallen down again.
MALCOLM: Again...
KATE: I was ever so careful.
MALCOLM: I told you it wasn’t designed for great heavy weights.
KATE: I only stood the cruet on it. I deliberately didn’t go near it in case it fell down. Oh, I’m terribly hot. Have I got time for a bath?
MALCOLM: Just about.
KATE: Now, the food’s all going on the big table. Then I’ve cleared the sideboard for the drinks. And they can put their coats here on the bed- oh look, I haven’t made the bed. Where is it then? (She starts to make the bed)
MALCOLM: What?
KATE: You know what. My blooming shoe.
(MALCOLM whistles to himself and starts to take off his sweater.)
You going to wear your nice shirt?
MALCOLM: Which one?
KATE: Your nice one.
MALCOLM: All right.
KATE: You look nice in that.
MALCOLM: Yes, it’s going to be a really good party. Who’ve we got coming?
KATE: Oh-everyone-I asked everyone. Except Nick, he can’t come.
MALCOLM: Nick?
KATE: Yes, he hurt his back, poor thing.
MALCOLM: Ah.
KATE: Jan phoned me. He hurt it this morning. She’s coming though.
MALCOLM: Good. Good.
KATE: And who else is there. Ken and Margaret, of course. And John and Dorothy and Wilfrid and Gareth and Gwen and Mike and Dave and Carole and Dick and Lottie. Gordon and Marge, of course and-er-Susannah and Trevor...
MALCOLM: Trevor?
KATE: Yes.
MALCOLM: And Susannah?
KATE: Yes.
MALCOLM: Oh dear, oh dear.
KATE: Well, I had to. They’ve had us round twice.
MALCOLM: I see. Well, that’s that isn’t it?
KATE: Well.
MALCOLM: That’s that. Where is it then?
KATE: What?
MALCOLM: The shirt.
KATE: Oh, it’s in the airing cupboard. I washed it.
MALCOLM: Right.
(MALCOLM goes)
KATE: Could you turn my bath on?
MALCOLM: (Off) Right.
KATE: Oh really. (She eyes the present. She sees MALCOLM’S shoes. She snatches them up and stuffs them into one of the pillowcases. MALCOLM returns with the shirt.) Very funny.
MALCOLM: Eh?
KATE: My shoe. Very funny.
MALCOLM: Ah.
KATE: And I don’t want any more foreign bodies in my side of the bed tonight, thank you very much.
MALCOLM: Foreign bodies?
KATE: You know, hair brushes and all my bottles and jars-you know.
MALCOLM: Wasn’t me.
KATE: You and your jokes. Is my bath running?
MALCOLM: Yes. Now look, you say Jan’s coming and Susannah’s coming and Trevor’s coming?
KATE: Yes.
MALCOLM: (putting on his shirt) That’s marvellous. If Trevor and Susannah don’t have a fight, then it’s ten to one Jan and Susannah will have a fight...
KATE: I hope not.
MALCOLM: Well, the first sign of any trouble they’re all out, I’m telling you. This is going to be a good party. I’m not having any of that. (He has put on his shirt)
KATE: Has that shrunk?
MALCOLM: I don’t know, has it?
KATE: It looks as if it’s shrunk. Or else you’re getting fat.
(KATE goes off)
MALCOLM: Fat? You cheeky thing. (calling) Hey, Blodge. Blodge. (He takes off the shirt)
KATE: (Off) What?
MALCOLM: What have you done with my shoes?
KATE: (Off) Ah-ha.
MALCOLM: What have you done with them? What’s she done with them? (He sees her shoes. He hides them in the bed.)
KATE: (Off) Ooooh!
MALCOLM: What?
(KATE returns, partially undressed)
KATE: Did you put that brush in my bath?
MALCOLM: Brush? What brush?
KATE: Well, you shouldn’t do that. It’s very unhygienic. Honestly.
(KATE goes. MALCOLM,laughing, follows her.)